24iza_run: (ninja)
[personal profile] 24iza_run
Around last month I applied for JENESYS (Japan-East Asia Network of Exchange for Students and Youth) since my father told me to give it a try. I rushed back to home after class since my father informed about it around 8 am and the dateline was supposed to be at 1 pm on the same day. To be honest I didn't hope much to be accepted cause I emailed the form barely on time and...I'm quite bitter when it came to this 'applying' stuff already cause I keep being turned down since I don't have background in studying japanese and I'm not a 'shining' student myself. Also, the departuring date overlaps with the day I'm supposed to start working at my previous internship place, so I don't want to cause any conflict with my boss by delaying it IF I will be accepted. However, to not dissapoint my father's effort, somehow I gave it a try.
It's my childhood dream to go to japan after my father told me a lot about his visit there when I was 3 and I've been struggling to study it myself for over 8 years due to lack of class and opportunity in my place. It's seriously painful just even to remember how mentally exhausting to accept my family, friends, teachers, and people around mocks, laughs, and makes fun of my dream. Ironically though, until they finally see that I became serious about it when I was 13, for the entire previous time they actually supported it. I endured everything on my own since nobody wanted to accept my passion. Some of you who are living in south east asia must know about what the japanese troupe had done during world war 2. There were teachers in my class that used the topic to spark hatred and at that time I can feel how my classmates turned to me since they know that I was the only one who really have passion when it comes to Japan. Not to mention the awkwardness from my kpop classmates since I'm the only jpop fan there (no, they didn't attack me or something, but I have a conflit with my ex-best friend who is a hardcore kpop fan so it didn't make it better. Let me emphasize here though that I don't hate kpop. I'm totally fine with it). And my family also just...I can cry just even trying to remember it. I always tell my friends in college that a fish pond already can be made from my tears just to describe it. And you know the feelings when there are people around you who actually don't like Japan so much but can go there and give you this look like saying "Why are you actually trying that hard? I don't have to work that hard and love it that much to go there". That moment is very painful and can ruin your self-confidence by instant. What makes me to stay until this far is because I remind myself that I have been working too long and too far to give up now. I always tell myself what if I actually only one step behind my dream and at that moment as well I choose to give up? It will be really saddening.
Of course with time I start to think just how crazy I am for choosing this 'hardcore path' though. My cousins mostly will choose engineering, medic, or fields that sounds cool like architecture or something. And it works for most of the time. I realize that some of my uncles or aunties also were side-eyeing me because of my 'craziness' and I won't blame them for that cause my family also have the same mindset. Thankfully after a few years, my sister eventually supported me since she finally see my struggle and understand it herself just how difficult it is to embrace our passion. I also notice that actually my cousins didn't really want to choose their study and field works that I mentioned above, but because they are too afraid to break our family's 'taboo', they decide to get along with it. Cause for our family unless you're an engineer, a doctor, or working at a good company, you're nothing.
At first I also was afraid to be looked down by our family just like my cousins. I forced myself to study in science class during my school days though I love literiture. I accepted it when my parents told me that I didn't work hard enough and compared me with my siblings and cousins. I pushed myself too hard until I didn't realize I got chronic depression and experienced several panic attacks when I was only 16. And since I actually already have long-term depression due to my childhood trauma, it just makes my situation worsen. Some of you must know that I have injured myself in a lot of ways and I had permanent scars on me from it. It's all only because trying hard to meet people's expectations.
As time went by though I started to meet more and more wonderful people. They are balancing the prejudicism that I have to experience and I'm really grateful for that. I think people who look down on me one time ago also look at me as their rival now, but I think it's good since that will make them really think about what they actually want. So here I want to state;

To those who supports, give me advices and informations, share with me their passion, laugh and cry with me during this journey, lead me during my dark time, and enlightens me with their kindness - thank you very much. I have no other words to describe just how grateful I am to have you on my side. I appreciate it a lot and may God bless you and return your kindness. Please share the loves with more people especially those who really need it :)

To those who is natural about it - thank you very much for not saying anything that can make me feel even worst. It might mean nothing for you, but it meant a lot for that meant person.

And finally to those who mocked, laughed, bullied, hurt, and made fun of me - thank you very much for making me stronger. Without you I will never appreciate the existence of people who really support me. I will pray that you won't do to anyone else what you have done to me.

I can't describe just how grateful I am to God for not giving me a shortcut. Cause like Sho and my supervisor have mentioned before, you won't appreciate it as much if you get it easy. I'm glad I didn't give up.

Now why do I become this emotional? It's back to the topic I've mentioned above. Actually on this Monday, I just find out that I was accepted to join JENESYS program. I'll depart from Kota Kinabalu to Kuala Lumpur tomorrow and will leave to Japan with the others on the next day. We don't go there for vacation since we mostly will learn about the socio politic and look around Tohoku area which as you already know was greatly affected by tsunami on 2011, but that's what make me even thankful. Plus, my boss agreed to let me start working on december because of this as well cause I guess he must think that it's also a good exposure before I start working. I cried so much while waiting for the result and I cry even more after finding it out. I'm so thankful and I hope everything will go smooth tomorrow until I come back on 17 (18 if counted way back to my home).
I'm sorry if my sentences are just getting weirder. Here, I want to thank you for spending your time for reading this. If you have something to achieve, I know the time and effort that you have to spend on it sometimes will make you suffer and questions yourself so many times. It can take hours, days, years, and sometimes almost your entire life to reach it. Of course it depends on you to find it's worth to fight for or not in the end, but just don't give up. Who knows you are actually just one step behind it already? It might sounds naive or idiotic, but for me, sometimes it better be.

And also, thank you for your kindness to provide me with endless supports and advices when I need it every time I open this 'none' tag. 本当にありがとうございました! *hug*
Anonymous( )Anonymous This account has disabled anonymous posting.
OpenID( )OpenID You can comment on this post while signed in with an account from many other sites, once you have confirmed your email address. Sign in using OpenID.
Account name:
If you don't have an account you can create one now.
HTML doesn't work in the subject.


Notice: This account is set to log the IP addresses of everyone who comments.
Links will be displayed as unclickable URLs to help prevent spam.


24iza_run: (Default)

May 2017

28 2930 31   

Most Popular Tags

Page generated 22/9/17 07:52

Style Credit

Expand Cut Tags

No cut tags