Talking about Friendship...
29/8/12 21:04![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
24iza_runHmm...
It'd been a long, long time since the last time I post something which is not related with my fic. I don't know if anyone is going to read this post, but at least I've a place to give a piece of my thought for now ;)
Recently one of my older sister long time friend involved in a car crashed. Fortunately, she survived along with her family, but the sad thing is her nose bone and jaw was broken. She also lost 4 of her front teeth. She's really close with my family and though I'm a type who's really bad when it comes about talking, I always feel secure and enjoy when talk to her. I can state her as one of prettiest people I ever meet and I respect her for not mourning with what just happened to her but face it bravely.
So...what's the relation between what I'm babbling above with the title post?
Well, actually it's just an introduction. Since my ne-chan currently can't returned to Syria for continue with her study, she's the one who's staying with her friend at the hospital now. The family of my ne-chan's friend are not fully recover yet from the misfortune incident and they need to settle few important things, so my ne-chan is the one who accompany her from the moment she's stuck in hospital. Everyday when ne-chan return to house, the first thing she'll do is jumping to our bed to catch some sleep. Ne-chan only can sleep on the guest's chair every night and since she has a bit problem with her backbone because of the cold season in Syria before, she always wake up almost every hour when sleep at hospital.
But, she never complain.
Just few hours ago ne-chan left again though she just got maybe about 3-4 hours sleep cause her friend ask her to come and accompany her since she's missing ne-chan already. The truth, ne-chan's friend's aunt and my ne-chan are suppose to switch their 'shift' to take care of the friend so both of them aren't going to be so tired, but ne-chan decide to come after read the message from her friend. Ne-chan told us before that she feels like she's going to have fever(because of lacking of sleep) and my mom told her to not come to the hospital, but ne-chan insist to.
What I'm trying to say in this post is...her decision makes me wonder. I think that's what we should call friendship, wasn't it? It's fine if you'll accept nothing as return, but as long as you can support your friend when she's weak or otherwise, it'll be a great happiness for you already.
Well, honestly I'm not a person who believe in 'Friendship'. I mean, I believe it does exist, but not in my life. For me friends have a lot of title like friends in a same class which we'll call as 'classmates', friends from same workplace or we'll call as 'coworkers' and something like that. I won't simply call anyone as 'friend', unless I add something behind it like 'friend from same school', 'same class' or 'chatting buddy'. I ever experienced frienship before, but after many terrible incidents keep happening and happening again, I'm getting more and more tired of it. I admit most of it ARE my fault. Since I'm person who's not good in conversation, I'd not so much friends. So whenever I saw my friends talked to someone else and that person able to make her/them laugh, I'll feel so hurt. It's like I think I'm her/their only friend, so I want them to stay with me every time, 24 hours and 7 days a week. I'm afraid of loneliness, but because of my trauma, I feel more afraid to speak honestly my thought and lost them. So, I just keep quiet even until my relationship with my friends bit by bit became apart. And finally when we're living like a stranger to each other, I'll break down and keep blaming myself for think like I own them and for couldn't be honest with what I felt even though we're friends.
I lost someone who I call or consider as 'best friend' one by one from kids until I enter my high school. We promised we'll stay as 'best friend forever' or 'will always be there for you', but none of it stayed long. My friendship can't even stay longer than three years when I realize it. So, I finally decided, NO MORE FRIENDSHIP or I'll break down again.
Well, actually it's painful and hurting so so so much than you can imagine it. No one is going to support you when you're doing something anymore, no one will help you when break down anymore, no one will make you laugh anymore, no one will cry with you anymore and everything that you'll face whether a happy things or not, you'll feel it ALONE. I was suffering so much back then but bit by bit it makes me to be a tough person than I ever think. I also slowly start to become a straightforward person and not afraid to against something that I think wrong. From a talkative person, I change to a quiet and serious person(or my classmates state as mysterious). I even can't listen on song which have something to do with friendship. If you check my mp3 or music's folder, I don't have it even one. My ichiban is Aiba, but the only song of his that I don't like to listen is 'friendship'.
Thankfully from what I've experience before I know how it feels to have a company. So whenever I wrote a fic, I'll just remember the feelings again or I'll watch my ne-chan and her friends to look for inspiration. I respect 'friendship' word even though I'm not holding on it anymore. If you're someone who I call as 'ne-chan' or someone who I asked if I can call ne-chan OR someone who older than me and we're sending message or exchanging comment with each other, means I'm considering you really like a blood related ne-chan and not a friend. What's happening to my ne-chan and her friend now really, really make me 'wake up' and open my eyes about it again.
My advice, if you've a friend, friends or someone who're supposed to be your best friend before, better treasure him/her from now on. If you've fight with him/her, try to fix your relationship back. It's not hurting to try, but will be hurting when you're regretting for not trying. After all, what if you're going to lose that person one day before you able to being honest to defend you guys precious friendship? Feel sorry for yourself? TOO late already.
....
....
...
End of my bored speech! Thanks for reading!
Btw for those who're waiting for my future fic, I'll post it soon ;)
It'd been a long, long time since the last time I post something which is not related with my fic. I don't know if anyone is going to read this post, but at least I've a place to give a piece of my thought for now ;)
Recently one of my older sister long time friend involved in a car crashed. Fortunately, she survived along with her family, but the sad thing is her nose bone and jaw was broken. She also lost 4 of her front teeth. She's really close with my family and though I'm a type who's really bad when it comes about talking, I always feel secure and enjoy when talk to her. I can state her as one of prettiest people I ever meet and I respect her for not mourning with what just happened to her but face it bravely.
So...what's the relation between what I'm babbling above with the title post?
Well, actually it's just an introduction. Since my ne-chan currently can't returned to Syria for continue with her study, she's the one who's staying with her friend at the hospital now. The family of my ne-chan's friend are not fully recover yet from the misfortune incident and they need to settle few important things, so my ne-chan is the one who accompany her from the moment she's stuck in hospital. Everyday when ne-chan return to house, the first thing she'll do is jumping to our bed to catch some sleep. Ne-chan only can sleep on the guest's chair every night and since she has a bit problem with her backbone because of the cold season in Syria before, she always wake up almost every hour when sleep at hospital.
But, she never complain.
Just few hours ago ne-chan left again though she just got maybe about 3-4 hours sleep cause her friend ask her to come and accompany her since she's missing ne-chan already. The truth, ne-chan's friend's aunt and my ne-chan are suppose to switch their 'shift' to take care of the friend so both of them aren't going to be so tired, but ne-chan decide to come after read the message from her friend. Ne-chan told us before that she feels like she's going to have fever(because of lacking of sleep) and my mom told her to not come to the hospital, but ne-chan insist to.
What I'm trying to say in this post is...her decision makes me wonder. I think that's what we should call friendship, wasn't it? It's fine if you'll accept nothing as return, but as long as you can support your friend when she's weak or otherwise, it'll be a great happiness for you already.
Well, honestly I'm not a person who believe in 'Friendship'. I mean, I believe it does exist, but not in my life. For me friends have a lot of title like friends in a same class which we'll call as 'classmates', friends from same workplace or we'll call as 'coworkers' and something like that. I won't simply call anyone as 'friend', unless I add something behind it like 'friend from same school', 'same class' or 'chatting buddy'. I ever experienced frienship before, but after many terrible incidents keep happening and happening again, I'm getting more and more tired of it. I admit most of it ARE my fault. Since I'm person who's not good in conversation, I'd not so much friends. So whenever I saw my friends talked to someone else and that person able to make her/them laugh, I'll feel so hurt. It's like I think I'm her/their only friend, so I want them to stay with me every time, 24 hours and 7 days a week. I'm afraid of loneliness, but because of my trauma, I feel more afraid to speak honestly my thought and lost them. So, I just keep quiet even until my relationship with my friends bit by bit became apart. And finally when we're living like a stranger to each other, I'll break down and keep blaming myself for think like I own them and for couldn't be honest with what I felt even though we're friends.
I lost someone who I call or consider as 'best friend' one by one from kids until I enter my high school. We promised we'll stay as 'best friend forever' or 'will always be there for you', but none of it stayed long. My friendship can't even stay longer than three years when I realize it. So, I finally decided, NO MORE FRIENDSHIP or I'll break down again.
Well, actually it's painful and hurting so so so much than you can imagine it. No one is going to support you when you're doing something anymore, no one will help you when break down anymore, no one will make you laugh anymore, no one will cry with you anymore and everything that you'll face whether a happy things or not, you'll feel it ALONE. I was suffering so much back then but bit by bit it makes me to be a tough person than I ever think. I also slowly start to become a straightforward person and not afraid to against something that I think wrong. From a talkative person, I change to a quiet and serious person(or my classmates state as mysterious). I even can't listen on song which have something to do with friendship. If you check my mp3 or music's folder, I don't have it even one. My ichiban is Aiba, but the only song of his that I don't like to listen is 'friendship'.
Thankfully from what I've experience before I know how it feels to have a company. So whenever I wrote a fic, I'll just remember the feelings again or I'll watch my ne-chan and her friends to look for inspiration. I respect 'friendship' word even though I'm not holding on it anymore. If you're someone who I call as 'ne-chan' or someone who I asked if I can call ne-chan OR someone who older than me and we're sending message or exchanging comment with each other, means I'm considering you really like a blood related ne-chan and not a friend. What's happening to my ne-chan and her friend now really, really make me 'wake up' and open my eyes about it again.
My advice, if you've a friend, friends or someone who're supposed to be your best friend before, better treasure him/her from now on. If you've fight with him/her, try to fix your relationship back. It's not hurting to try, but will be hurting when you're regretting for not trying. After all, what if you're going to lose that person one day before you able to being honest to defend you guys precious friendship? Feel sorry for yourself? TOO late already.
....
....
...
End of my bored speech! Thanks for reading!
Btw for those who're waiting for my future fic, I'll post it soon ;)
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(no subject)
29/8/12 16:13 (UTC)You're right. Friends for laughing are anywhere, but even one friend for crying is difficult to find. Somehow it makes me think if it does exist or not.
Honestly I never thought someone will understand my feelings. I thought it just me who'll feeling insecure when seeing ex-friends are laughing with other people. Actually we're afraid if our friends are going to leave us ne.But though we tried to hold back our feelings so that friends won't hate us for overprotecting her/him,it'll still finally goes wrong somehow.
I understand how hurt you feel, but I can't say anything since...you're not recovering from the wound yet right? But to found someone who get how it feels somehow can make us feel better. Holding back is hurting too.
Maybe to find real friends also need luck and fate? Hmm...
(no subject)
29/8/12 15:41 (UTC)I'm so surprised. U're really look like me.
I used to treasure friendship too much, and it end up hurting me.
In highschool, i always think that my friends are the most important things for me,
that's why it always hurt for me when i see them being happier with someone else, or when they act like i'm just "one" of their friend, not the most "important" friend for them.
I feel so sad, because I always think that Friendship should be a mutual relationship, where u and ur friend share the same important value to each other.
This was maybe my own fault, because i never said about my real thought to them, i keep quiet then i left them in the end, because no matter how hard i tried to adjust myself in that circle-of-friend, I just couldn't feel comfortable anymore.
That's why after i graduate from high school, i become hard to trust people. I never want to make such a cheesy promise like "Friends Forever" anymore. Because i know people change, i change, and the whole world also change.
Fortunately i have a few friend, that somehow still in good relation despite the fact that we're rarely meet. We just talk online or by phone sometimes, when i need them or when they need me only. And that kind of relationship somehow is reassuring compare to "hang-out" kind of friend. Because they always demand u to go and have fun with them as often as possible.
I believe that a good friend, will always be there when u need them, and will give u space when u dont need them. That kind of friends are hard to find nowadays.
I understand what u said about treasuring friend. But now i'm the type who treasure the one who treasure me first (so egoist right?). So, thanks for calling me ne-chan too. I didnt have younger sister, so it's really nice to be called that^^
Btw, i read ur last message, sorry i haven't reply, and thanks for your care. Let's always do our best, dear iza-chan^^,
(no subject)
29/8/12 16:34 (UTC)I agree with you. Everything and everyone will change one day. It's not something unexpected if you're hard to trust anyone considering with what you'd experience.
Giving a space when we don't need them, and will always be there when needed...I think Arashi is the best example of this :)
You, egoist? Nah, I don't think so. You're egoist only if you're putting yourself first whether there's anyone treasuring you or not.
Seriously, if I don't call you ne-chan, I can't make myself closer to you. Happy to be your imoto. Yoroshiku onegaishimasu~ *bow down*
About the message, it okie-dokie. Ganbarimashou!
(no subject)
3/9/12 01:18 (UTC)(no subject)
3/9/12 11:45 (UTC)Maybe you're right too. It's hard to admit, but who knows I actually will know 'someone' one day or I just haven't noticed that 'someone' yet. But for now I prefer this way. I still can't open myself and just accept anyone.
You've got a point about how important to talk and maintaining communication with other people. There's a time when I haven't go out so much for months and I was stuttering a lot once i started to face community again. So yeah, I agree with you :) Plus, we can't live alone.
That's great you've your brother and sister. You guys must be so close ne.
Seems we're same about the 'friend' title too. I also don't usually call someone as friend. It's surprising to know that you're not good in talking as well(in a good way I mean ^^)