I have a question

[24iza_run]

Under my doctor advised I was recommended to see a psychologist a few months ago. I was then told that based on our session, the psychologist suspected me are having depression for a long time and it might turn out extreme again(since I've gone as far as harming myself) if we don't try to solve it sooner. However I missed the next session and it's difficult to make a new appointment again since my parents find out about it. I just got my driving license but my family still not let me to drive yet and that's another problem cause I don't want my parents to drive me to the hospital when they keep telling me 'only crazy people see psychologist. If other find out later, everyone will chase you away and you won't find a job'. That of course, not helping at all.

Now, I'm trying to not put myself under stress. I tried to do everything I enjoy; watching Arashi stuff, listening music, writing stories etc etc. But the problem is since I'm now on semester break, I always stay at home and face my family 24 hours which can't help my recovery because they're one of the major reasons why I'm having depression. At least when I have a class, I have an excuse to leave house and stay at my college until evening just to avoid from staying home. I notice that maybe because I can't take a break from my family, my depression gradually turn out worse again. I can't hold back my past-traumatic any longer.

Here's my question. In your opinion, is it okay if parents say to their child that they have any right to do anything on him/her because they're parents even it's went as far as hitting, screaming or humiliating you? I was so confused about that now. My mother told me that and I can't find the answer if it's right or wrong cause although in term of humanity it's wrong, but in term of society and religion I have always been told by people around me that you should respect your parents and stay obedient with them unless they told you to do something opposite from your religion. I can't differentiate if what my family did were their way to teach me to become a better person or they just want to relieve their frustration on me. Is it teaching or oral/physical abused? Even my psychologist didn't answer me. I even told her that I think I have Borderline Personality Syndrome as well because I've pushed my best friends away out of fear after I've got my first 'break down', but she said she didn't think so. I don't like the way psychologist treated me honestly, but since she gave a shade of what I'm through now, I think having a session with her is better than nothing. And maybe next time I can ask my doctor to change her for someone else.

I just got my second panic attack and the desire to injured myself again suffocate me for the first time after years. So I think at least if I know the answer of that 'question', at least I can grasp a bit what's going on during my childhood and I can at least 'delay' my negative thought until I can arrange a new appointment with my psychologist.

Ah! Btw, I'm really sorry for not replying your message or comment. I really want to but because of the depression, I can't bring myself to since most of them contain fun things and I can't bend my negative thought a way. Lately I also can't enjoy everything I love to do before; watching Jdrama, studying Japanese, writing fics and even go as far as Arashi's songs almost leave no impact to me. Everything no longer entertaining for me. That's just how powerful the depression control my life. My doctor suspects my jaw-pain was cause by it since it came after I managed to stop from injuring myself by gritting my teeth hard. I can't do that 'gritting' anymore now so there's no wonder my depression growing worse again.

I hope it didn't sound too heavy -_-" But I really appreciate if you give me your opinion. It's really confusing me. It's weird for 19y/o girl like ne asks this kind of question but when adults around you keep telling you the same answer, you can't help but think that your life is too low until people won't even consider your feelings.

Comments

Hi..

[rurikonialenora.livejournal.com]

I think your condition also occurred to me but I never thought that was a depression.. You know, about not driving a car even you already have a license had incurred to me years back. You see, I got my license after my high school and after that my parents forbids me to drive until when I go to collage at the last semester to my studies, I sneak on driving behind their backs. I didn't just drove around the collage but I also take trips with it. Then after that I told them and now they just let me do it. But the problem didn't stop there.

I have graduated for 2 years now and there is no luck for me to find a job. Do you know why? It is because I stayed with my parents at the village and there is not a lot of opportunity on working here. My place is not really near to the town where I lived and almost all jobs that I signed for inquires at least 2 YEARS OF EXPERIENCE!
So for that I told them to let me go to the big cities which is where there is a lot of opportunities for a person like me to keep on surviving but instead they told me NO. They think it is hard for me and that I couldn't bear that. Well, for me that is what life's about right? I know I am pampered since child but I am not really that weak. I love challenges. I know it will be hard but I am up to it.
In case you don't know. For my high school I take Pure Science as my major but at collage my dad suddenly makes a decision on making me taking Accountancy. I hate maths! I hate numbers! Since I was little my most weakest subject was Maths. I used to get 0 for it. I don't know how I got pass my Diploma. It was a miracle but with so much of pain.
I might get you at some point but it was not only my family keeps me stuck. There are My Grandmoms, My aunt... Mou, it is a lot. I know that this is some kind of rambles and I should think more positive but what saddens me more is when both of my parents told me that they can't trust me at all! It was a let down. It was the only thing that I couldn't recover from like ever!

I took care of my 3 siblings when they gone to do their Hajj. They were boys and it was for a month. I keeps trying hard to juggle with the boys as they don't want to stay at their dorms at school and also my youngest brother who needed my attention because he is still at primary school at that time. I also was busy with my collage as they were just opened for the new semester. It was hectic at that time. Each week I would need to travel back home and sometimes twice a week. My collage isn't that near from where I lived. It took me an hour to just travel from there to my house!
But all solved out when my parents come back and they also told me that they thanked me for what I done. I was happy only up to that point but soon after that, they all planned a trip to Sabah without me! I never take any flights so I would love to but they told me that I should focused on my studies and my mom also called me when they were at the top of Mount Kinabalu as I was answering my tests at that time. How I was so frustrated with them. My lecturer asked me 'Why I didn't joins them and I could ask for a week off for that. It is okay with them.' I just told them 'It's okay' But god knows how sad I was inside. They had bought me the tickets but because of they think that I should study more, they just left me with that.

I loved them but sometimes it feels like they treated me as like I was *sigh* I don't know how to explain this. Whenever I got my motivation to do something there is always a restriction to that. There always a NO, Don't do it! You are not suited to it! kinda words. It feels that I could show anything that I am capable of. What a way to push me down under eh? I just hope one day I would succeed but for now I know I wouldn't because until the day they trust and have faith on me, I would always be at the same spot. Not going anywhere. Not forward nor backwards. I am happy when I am with them but some things needs me to decide them myself. Not them. I have a lot of frustrations but it wouldn't be enough to share it here.

Re: Hi..

[24iza-run.livejournal.com]

I never know what I through now is depression before. I've seen counselor since I was in form 2 and all of them said it was normal to have that thought. At last, I can't take their words anymore and asked for my doctor's help to set an appointment. But my parents are type of people who always consider what outsiders think about us, so my mother told me to quit. I remembered that she also said our family is normal though my doctor already tried to explain that depression can occur to anyone and I need a constant treatment and medicine for a while to get better. His wife also has depression and he understands how hard it is for me.

I take Pure Science at my high school as well! And that's the point where my depression stage began because that's my parent's choice. I also bad in Maths like you. I've been bullied by my Maths teacher and my classmates because of Maths during my elementary years and after that I cant's stand with Maths anymore. I kind of understand your feelings here...

This question is a little bit straightforward but what did you do deal with your feelings every time they turn down what you wanted to do? Have you told them your feelings?

I guess everyone has frustration that they keep to themselves...There's a way to know if it's depression and how severe it already is(if you have one). Not like I want you to have it(it's torturing to have one after all), but if you're thinking you maybe have one, I really hope you will try to check for it like take a test or something just in case. The later you know about it, the harder you can recover from it.

Re: Hi..

[rurikonialenora.livejournal.com]

Well, it was hard cause our community here is the one who takes outsider advice and view rather than discussion on their own. Maa, my mom is like that too.

Traditional people seems to do that. I felt that it is not necessary to be bothered by the outsider much. They are not the ones who help us when we are in trouble. What they do is criticize. I'm sorry but that is what I think about the community around me.

That's why I always told my mom that our religion didn't teach us to follow the Adat but instead it should be the Adap. The thing with our community that they too absorbed with the Adat that they forgot the Adap. That's destroying our community nowadays. *kinda out of topic ne?*

I am kinda rebellious in such aspect. If anything bothers me I would get cranky and sometimes shut my self in. Sometimes that is the only way that they would see why is this important but in other some way, talk to them and discuss with them this matter if they are the kind that listens as I know that my family rarely does that *so actions is better to me*.

Sometimes when it is just couldn't be solved even with both actions and talks, I seeks for God first and always rant to him. He is the only one who sees and believed me in anything. It felt good but other times when I need to just let it go, I just do something crazy. That is where everything just flew away out of me.

Just only whenever you felt frustrated or sad or anything keeps bothering you, just rant it all out. Talk. Share with someone or something. Do your own thing. Have your own private moment. I know you can write as I love reading your fanfics. Do that if you can. Tell them through there. The negative feelings just need to let out. Don't keep it inside. It will consume and kills you and also after you had let it all out, at the end you would think it wasn't bad at all.

I'm sorry this advice won't do any help to you but I hope you would find a way through. No worries. I am here to listen to you whenever you needed me to but I wouldn't help much cuz I am bad in giving advice. ^_^ Gambatte!!!

P.s: Oh, yeah!! and one more thing, I sometimes 'Biaq pi la dia' when I felt like it. Just wait and see. Go with the flow. Maa, it might seem irresponsible but if I couldn't do anything so I just might let it be. They asked for it. Kekekeke..

Re: Hi..

[24iza-run.livejournal.com]

I guess our mother will fit together if they meet each other then. Mine is just like your mother XD (somehow I found it funny).

No need to apologize. I'm born in that kind of community too. My relatives, uncles and aunties are like that too. I honestly don't get what they're afraid with; either leaving a good impression to society and having their children 'damaged' or otherwise. But at least since we're growing up with these kind of people, we know how hurt it feels and we'll try to avoid from doing the same to our children one day.

I appreciate your advises. Thank You SO much for that. I think your way of relieving your frustration out is good. Yeah. It's better to not keep it. If I write my feelings as fanfic then it won't be fiction anymore right? Hahaha. But I'll think about it. I'm not good with speaking out so that probably will be a good way. I appreciate your time as well. Thank You again.

Re P.S: Eh? Are you from Kedah? O.O I heard my cousins sometimes said that! Not bad ;)

Re: Hi..

[rurikonialenora.livejournal.com]

Nope. I am from Perak actually but to the northern side so some of my Malays were a little influenced by that. Well, my place is the best in talking cynical and it is normal for me to felt hurt by that. Some of my friends do have a similar stories as their parents talks almost the same as the community was *which is one of the reasons this occur* but they kept telling mine is worse. Maa, I'm used to it already.

Hahaha.. Yeah, sure. Anytime. No worries. Things will get better soon. Gambatte ok!

Re: Hi..

[24iza-run.livejournal.com]

You've told me before you're from Perak but when you said 'that', I thought your village is Kedah and you're currently living at Perak. My fault ^^"
I love that sentence btw(don't know why though)

Re: Hi..

[rurikonialenora.livejournal.com]

Hehehe.. Cause the way they say it I think. ^_^