I have a question

[24iza_run]

Under my doctor advised I was recommended to see a psychologist a few months ago. I was then told that based on our session, the psychologist suspected me are having depression for a long time and it might turn out extreme again(since I've gone as far as harming myself) if we don't try to solve it sooner. However I missed the next session and it's difficult to make a new appointment again since my parents find out about it. I just got my driving license but my family still not let me to drive yet and that's another problem cause I don't want my parents to drive me to the hospital when they keep telling me 'only crazy people see psychologist. If other find out later, everyone will chase you away and you won't find a job'. That of course, not helping at all.

Now, I'm trying to not put myself under stress. I tried to do everything I enjoy; watching Arashi stuff, listening music, writing stories etc etc. But the problem is since I'm now on semester break, I always stay at home and face my family 24 hours which can't help my recovery because they're one of the major reasons why I'm having depression. At least when I have a class, I have an excuse to leave house and stay at my college until evening just to avoid from staying home. I notice that maybe because I can't take a break from my family, my depression gradually turn out worse again. I can't hold back my past-traumatic any longer.

Here's my question. In your opinion, is it okay if parents say to their child that they have any right to do anything on him/her because they're parents even it's went as far as hitting, screaming or humiliating you? I was so confused about that now. My mother told me that and I can't find the answer if it's right or wrong cause although in term of humanity it's wrong, but in term of society and religion I have always been told by people around me that you should respect your parents and stay obedient with them unless they told you to do something opposite from your religion. I can't differentiate if what my family did were their way to teach me to become a better person or they just want to relieve their frustration on me. Is it teaching or oral/physical abused? Even my psychologist didn't answer me. I even told her that I think I have Borderline Personality Syndrome as well because I've pushed my best friends away out of fear after I've got my first 'break down', but she said she didn't think so. I don't like the way psychologist treated me honestly, but since she gave a shade of what I'm through now, I think having a session with her is better than nothing. And maybe next time I can ask my doctor to change her for someone else.

I just got my second panic attack and the desire to injured myself again suffocate me for the first time after years. So I think at least if I know the answer of that 'question', at least I can grasp a bit what's going on during my childhood and I can at least 'delay' my negative thought until I can arrange a new appointment with my psychologist.

Ah! Btw, I'm really sorry for not replying your message or comment. I really want to but because of the depression, I can't bring myself to since most of them contain fun things and I can't bend my negative thought a way. Lately I also can't enjoy everything I love to do before; watching Jdrama, studying Japanese, writing fics and even go as far as Arashi's songs almost leave no impact to me. Everything no longer entertaining for me. That's just how powerful the depression control my life. My doctor suspects my jaw-pain was cause by it since it came after I managed to stop from injuring myself by gritting my teeth hard. I can't do that 'gritting' anymore now so there's no wonder my depression growing worse again.

I hope it didn't sound too heavy -_-" But I really appreciate if you give me your opinion. It's really confusing me. It's weird for 19y/o girl like ne asks this kind of question but when adults around you keep telling you the same answer, you can't help but think that your life is too low until people won't even consider your feelings.

Comments

[eveshine.livejournal.com]

Iza chan what happened? Are you okay?. I read your post. i understand your feelings.. Parents hitting.. Here in our country they do but not to grown up ones. As for shouting it still does. Every parents care about their child's happiness in their own ways.. so i don't know whether it is right or wrong.. Demo ne take care.. Be positive..Think only positive things.

[24iza-run.livejournal.com]

I'm confused about myself too. And to be real honest, I'm not okay. My family did it when I was 7-12 years old, but not anymore. You can say what I through now is the 'after-effect' from that incident. Physical abused was one thing, but verbal abused is another thing especially since it's still happened to me until now. At first I can push what they told me but since it's still happening, I begin to consider what they said were right.
Staying positive is possible, but quite difficult for person who have their depression level like me. It's not like we don't want to but it's like our mind was set to think that way. That's how hard to deal with depression. Our surroundings also play an important role for our recovery.
Thank You SO much for your reply! I'm sorry I haven't reply your message yet :(

[rurikonialenora.livejournal.com]

I know... Verbal abuse is the one which left the biggest impression as we grow older rather than physical ones. I think from my experience is to find someone who you can rant to and always listen to you. The only thing you need is someone who listen and can keep your secrets as the way it is. Advice you when needed but most of the time just listen to your rants. Nothing feels better than letting your frustration out.

[24iza-run.livejournal.com]

The physical one might turn out worse as well depends on what that person experienced especially if that's the people who you trusted most and relied on did it to you. In my case, I can't stand anything that related to abusive behavior-movies,fanfics,comics,news or I might got my panic attack.
Well...having someone to listen me is another problem. Cause I don't have any close friend. My ex-best friends knew about it but I can't trust them anymore. I have a classmate who knows about my situation because both of us have harsh past, but I trust her not as far as sharing my feelings. I have difficulty to let my feelings out to anyone around. That's why I share it here you know *bitter laugh*

[rurikonialenora.livejournal.com]

Ah...souka.. It is indeed hard for you. It takes lots of cautions and also you need to be surrounded by people who are open minded and accept you as who you are. I'll pray for your happiness and I hope you will found a way to be better soon.

[eveshine.livejournal.com]

Verbal abuse is the biggest one. I experience that everyday at my home and my surroundings. A few days ago i had a tough fight at home. I was like you may be what they said is right..Oh sorry i don't want to add more..I pray for you so that you will be free from this soon..

[24iza-run.livejournal.com]

No, it's okay. I'm sorry that you had to through that too. I know it's not easy to receive that from people who we're going to see everyday. I hope your situation will get better soon as well :)

[eveshine.livejournal.com]

Yup..I am doing things that won't let me remember the talks like reading stories,playing games. I hope the situation gets better soon. I hope for the best for you too.. Don't lose hope. Think that there is one big sis waiting for you to listen to your problems. to tease you ne.. Oh i may be elder than you but what i feel sometimes is youngest!.. Anyway i'll be there for you!

[24iza-run.livejournal.com]

I'll keep your words then big sis ;) Thanks for the encouragement! I can't see you younger than me btw(hahaha!)

Somehow it feels like we're comrades. Well, people who through a complicated emotions from verbal abuse actually are already comrades themselves since they have almost same experiences...

Hi..

[rurikonialenora.livejournal.com]

I think your condition also occurred to me but I never thought that was a depression.. You know, about not driving a car even you already have a license had incurred to me years back. You see, I got my license after my high school and after that my parents forbids me to drive until when I go to collage at the last semester to my studies, I sneak on driving behind their backs. I didn't just drove around the collage but I also take trips with it. Then after that I told them and now they just let me do it. But the problem didn't stop there.

I have graduated for 2 years now and there is no luck for me to find a job. Do you know why? It is because I stayed with my parents at the village and there is not a lot of opportunity on working here. My place is not really near to the town where I lived and almost all jobs that I signed for inquires at least 2 YEARS OF EXPERIENCE!
So for that I told them to let me go to the big cities which is where there is a lot of opportunities for a person like me to keep on surviving but instead they told me NO. They think it is hard for me and that I couldn't bear that. Well, for me that is what life's about right? I know I am pampered since child but I am not really that weak. I love challenges. I know it will be hard but I am up to it.
In case you don't know. For my high school I take Pure Science as my major but at collage my dad suddenly makes a decision on making me taking Accountancy. I hate maths! I hate numbers! Since I was little my most weakest subject was Maths. I used to get 0 for it. I don't know how I got pass my Diploma. It was a miracle but with so much of pain.
I might get you at some point but it was not only my family keeps me stuck. There are My Grandmoms, My aunt... Mou, it is a lot. I know that this is some kind of rambles and I should think more positive but what saddens me more is when both of my parents told me that they can't trust me at all! It was a let down. It was the only thing that I couldn't recover from like ever!

I took care of my 3 siblings when they gone to do their Hajj. They were boys and it was for a month. I keeps trying hard to juggle with the boys as they don't want to stay at their dorms at school and also my youngest brother who needed my attention because he is still at primary school at that time. I also was busy with my collage as they were just opened for the new semester. It was hectic at that time. Each week I would need to travel back home and sometimes twice a week. My collage isn't that near from where I lived. It took me an hour to just travel from there to my house!
But all solved out when my parents come back and they also told me that they thanked me for what I done. I was happy only up to that point but soon after that, they all planned a trip to Sabah without me! I never take any flights so I would love to but they told me that I should focused on my studies and my mom also called me when they were at the top of Mount Kinabalu as I was answering my tests at that time. How I was so frustrated with them. My lecturer asked me 'Why I didn't joins them and I could ask for a week off for that. It is okay with them.' I just told them 'It's okay' But god knows how sad I was inside. They had bought me the tickets but because of they think that I should study more, they just left me with that.

I loved them but sometimes it feels like they treated me as like I was *sigh* I don't know how to explain this. Whenever I got my motivation to do something there is always a restriction to that. There always a NO, Don't do it! You are not suited to it! kinda words. It feels that I could show anything that I am capable of. What a way to push me down under eh? I just hope one day I would succeed but for now I know I wouldn't because until the day they trust and have faith on me, I would always be at the same spot. Not going anywhere. Not forward nor backwards. I am happy when I am with them but some things needs me to decide them myself. Not them. I have a lot of frustrations but it wouldn't be enough to share it here.

Re: Hi..

[24iza-run.livejournal.com]

I never know what I through now is depression before. I've seen counselor since I was in form 2 and all of them said it was normal to have that thought. At last, I can't take their words anymore and asked for my doctor's help to set an appointment. But my parents are type of people who always consider what outsiders think about us, so my mother told me to quit. I remembered that she also said our family is normal though my doctor already tried to explain that depression can occur to anyone and I need a constant treatment and medicine for a while to get better. His wife also has depression and he understands how hard it is for me.

I take Pure Science at my high school as well! And that's the point where my depression stage began because that's my parent's choice. I also bad in Maths like you. I've been bullied by my Maths teacher and my classmates because of Maths during my elementary years and after that I cant's stand with Maths anymore. I kind of understand your feelings here...

This question is a little bit straightforward but what did you do deal with your feelings every time they turn down what you wanted to do? Have you told them your feelings?

I guess everyone has frustration that they keep to themselves...There's a way to know if it's depression and how severe it already is(if you have one). Not like I want you to have it(it's torturing to have one after all), but if you're thinking you maybe have one, I really hope you will try to check for it like take a test or something just in case. The later you know about it, the harder you can recover from it.

Re: Hi..

[rurikonialenora.livejournal.com]

Well, it was hard cause our community here is the one who takes outsider advice and view rather than discussion on their own. Maa, my mom is like that too.

Traditional people seems to do that. I felt that it is not necessary to be bothered by the outsider much. They are not the ones who help us when we are in trouble. What they do is criticize. I'm sorry but that is what I think about the community around me.

That's why I always told my mom that our religion didn't teach us to follow the Adat but instead it should be the Adap. The thing with our community that they too absorbed with the Adat that they forgot the Adap. That's destroying our community nowadays. *kinda out of topic ne?*

I am kinda rebellious in such aspect. If anything bothers me I would get cranky and sometimes shut my self in. Sometimes that is the only way that they would see why is this important but in other some way, talk to them and discuss with them this matter if they are the kind that listens as I know that my family rarely does that *so actions is better to me*.

Sometimes when it is just couldn't be solved even with both actions and talks, I seeks for God first and always rant to him. He is the only one who sees and believed me in anything. It felt good but other times when I need to just let it go, I just do something crazy. That is where everything just flew away out of me.

Just only whenever you felt frustrated or sad or anything keeps bothering you, just rant it all out. Talk. Share with someone or something. Do your own thing. Have your own private moment. I know you can write as I love reading your fanfics. Do that if you can. Tell them through there. The negative feelings just need to let out. Don't keep it inside. It will consume and kills you and also after you had let it all out, at the end you would think it wasn't bad at all.

I'm sorry this advice won't do any help to you but I hope you would find a way through. No worries. I am here to listen to you whenever you needed me to but I wouldn't help much cuz I am bad in giving advice. ^_^ Gambatte!!!

P.s: Oh, yeah!! and one more thing, I sometimes 'Biaq pi la dia' when I felt like it. Just wait and see. Go with the flow. Maa, it might seem irresponsible but if I couldn't do anything so I just might let it be. They asked for it. Kekekeke..

Re: Hi..

[24iza-run.livejournal.com]

I guess our mother will fit together if they meet each other then. Mine is just like your mother XD (somehow I found it funny).

No need to apologize. I'm born in that kind of community too. My relatives, uncles and aunties are like that too. I honestly don't get what they're afraid with; either leaving a good impression to society and having their children 'damaged' or otherwise. But at least since we're growing up with these kind of people, we know how hurt it feels and we'll try to avoid from doing the same to our children one day.

I appreciate your advises. Thank You SO much for that. I think your way of relieving your frustration out is good. Yeah. It's better to not keep it. If I write my feelings as fanfic then it won't be fiction anymore right? Hahaha. But I'll think about it. I'm not good with speaking out so that probably will be a good way. I appreciate your time as well. Thank You again.

Re P.S: Eh? Are you from Kedah? O.O I heard my cousins sometimes said that! Not bad ;)

Re: Hi..

[rurikonialenora.livejournal.com]

Nope. I am from Perak actually but to the northern side so some of my Malays were a little influenced by that. Well, my place is the best in talking cynical and it is normal for me to felt hurt by that. Some of my friends do have a similar stories as their parents talks almost the same as the community was *which is one of the reasons this occur* but they kept telling mine is worse. Maa, I'm used to it already.

Hahaha.. Yeah, sure. Anytime. No worries. Things will get better soon. Gambatte ok!

Re: Hi..

[24iza-run.livejournal.com]

You've told me before you're from Perak but when you said 'that', I thought your village is Kedah and you're currently living at Perak. My fault ^^"
I love that sentence btw(don't know why though)

Re: Hi..

[rurikonialenora.livejournal.com]

Hehehe.. Cause the way they say it I think. ^_^

[j-sei.livejournal.com]

hmm, I believe I don't have much to say as I don't really experience depression myself. The worst one is just a stress that affect my menstruation.

In my opinion, they have no right to do "anything" they want to their child. Hitting, screaming and humiliating is already out of bonds. I forgot where I read this but someone said about child is a "gift" from God. Not everyone can have a child due to various reason and so when God gave you a child you need to protect him/her till he/she can "stand" at his/her own feet.

I have a bit experience of violence in my home, that's only happened till my 4th primary school and all done from my mother ^^ It's just a little slapping and the worst one is she slapped me with a ruler but it's not something that tore a scar in my heart (or maybe a little but it's not affecting me much).

I agree with rurikonialenora that you need a place to share your problem. Just telling this story to someone is good enough I think, because I'm not someone who can tell this to anyone, you're a very brave girl :)

Also, if you think going to a psychologist can help you than I suggest you to keep visiting her ^^ (though it's hard so that your parents blind about it and money can be a problem too)

[24iza-run.livejournal.com]

First of all, Thank You SO much for the reply. Your opinion makes me feel a little bit reassure. The thought of people can do anything they want to their children just because they're 'parents' terrifying me, seriously.

Since you still remember that it must be left a deep impression to yourself...I'm glad you hadn't experience anything worse than that.

Thanks again ^^ I'm really glad there're people out there who're still care though we never know each other face to face. I'm sorry for haven't reply your message and comment on your journal by the way. I'll make sure to give a try once everything get better :)

[j-sei.livejournal.com]

uhh xD so sorry for replying this right now..

btw, I just thought about that; I think it affect me in how I socialize. I realize that in my family, except me can socialize really well with others. I wonder why but maybe it's just me thinking negative :3

I think it's easier to tell other people that we're not really know face to face than people that close to us. That happened to me xD

[yukiko-makoto.livejournal.com]

Iza chan, are you okay? what happened? I'm sorry because disappear for a very long time and yet when I came to visit you here, I saw this post. You know what, I through the same situation like you before. Yeah, verbal and physical..and I do confuse too. Like I don'y know what is actually my fault. And also, I'm use to hate them. I'm sorry, I don't really good at giving advise, but what can I said is, be positive and do whatever you think is best to you. Don't stress yourself because it will make your condition worst. Is it okay? And one more thing, whatever situation you're have, you have US here..your friends. ^_^

[24iza-run.livejournal.com]

Yeah, I haven't see you around for quite some time! How you're doing now?
I still have to struggle most of the time now. I just almost get my panic attack again recently, but thankfully somehow I managed to calm down myself. Like you've said, I should control my stress better. I'm sorry that you have to through the same experience too. Is it getting better at your side now?
Thank You SO much for your reply :) It makes me relief to know there're many people here willing to respond to my problem ^^

[yukiko-makoto.livejournal.com]

Yeah..I'm doing great here. The result for my UPU is on Tuesday, so I kinda feel scared sometime. Its getting better at my side,yokatta.. all I do is cry and then sleep. I think its the best solution for me. Or else, I will locked myself in bedroom and enjoy myself watching or listening to Arashi. You see, sometime you have to tell someone that you really trust about your problems. Its somehow a solution to reduce the stress. But, sometime I don't do it either.. :p
Like what I said, do what you think best. If you think, with crying, will slow-down your stress, just do it. I hope you can find the best solution to reduce your stress, because its really hard yet painful to endure it alone. ^_^

[24iza-run.livejournal.com]

Dear, your result comes out today right? I'm really sorry for just replying your comment now ><
I hope everything (no matter in your life or your exam) will be alright. Yeah, I also often the same solution as you. I'm really glad to know there're people who care about me and offer themselves, but I have no idea how to 'share the pain' with them. Somehow I'll just naturally build a tough character and pretend that I'm totally fine when I face or talk to someone. I guess I hold myself too much for too long until I turn out like this now. I hope I can do something about it one day. So hope things will get better on your side too :)

I'll pray the best for you!

[ica-90.livejournal.com]

hi, this post is heavy, and old (not really) but i have the urge to reply to you regarding this matter. i assume you're from malaysia? so i'm going to reply in malay. if not, could you please google translate it?

well, i was born in a family where my father always against my decision, and my mother will support me somehow. only if she can.

suma teenagers ada satau phase: rebellious phase. ada yang boleh control, ada yang tak. cumanya in your case, your surrounding not really helping you.

parent always want their best for you. but sometimes they don't understand under these kind of era, it's best to put some 'trust' in their children in order for them to learn.

i was once like you, maybe not really but everything i want to do, my father will go against it. ifhe said A, it will always be an A.

but what i do is, i often go for B. i'm not sure how your parent is, but for mine, they'll nag and nag and nag until i proved to them that i'm doing it right. often. i win.

but the only thing that i don't was when my father kept telling me to do medic\medical things. i risk my life taking things that i can't do, but Allah knows better. i didn't do medic,. but ended up in engineering.

my latest rebel is when i said to him 'it's your fault! you're forcing me to do what i don't want to do. see where you lead me? i have no job and now you're putting your responsibilities on me' *my parent get divorce so...*. he's mad at me, but he can't say anything. because i'm sure he knew that he done it wrong.

my advice to you, go for it! go for whatever things you wanna do, but at the same time, ask for guidance. prove it to them that you're right, they're wrong. it's your life. one day, they're going to die and it's you to be responsible on yourself. do things that makes you happy. satu eprkara yang saya pegang sampai skang ialah 'apa je yang berlaku, pastikan one day in the future, you won't say 'aku menyesal'. you have right to choose your path. you don't want that regret because you obey your parent because trust me, if that happened, you gonna blame them and you gonna hate them.

good luck. talk, say it out. jangan pendam. you'll be fine

:))