I have a question
10/5/14 18:46![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
24iza_runUnder my doctor advised I was recommended to see a psychologist a few months ago. I was then told that based on our session, the psychologist suspected me are having depression for a long time and it might turn out extreme again(since I've gone as far as harming myself) if we don't try to solve it sooner. However I missed the next session and it's difficult to make a new appointment again since my parents find out about it. I just got my driving license but my family still not let me to drive yet and that's another problem cause I don't want my parents to drive me to the hospital when they keep telling me 'only crazy people see psychologist. If other find out later, everyone will chase you away and you won't find a job'. That of course, not helping at all.
Now, I'm trying to not put myself under stress. I tried to do everything I enjoy; watching Arashi stuff, listening music, writing stories etc etc. But the problem is since I'm now on semester break, I always stay at home and face my family 24 hours which can't help my recovery because they're one of the major reasons why I'm having depression. At least when I have a class, I have an excuse to leave house and stay at my college until evening just to avoid from staying home. I notice that maybe because I can't take a break from my family, my depression gradually turn out worse again. I can't hold back my past-traumatic any longer.
Here's my question. In your opinion, is it okay if parents say to their child that they have any right to do anything on him/her because they're parents even it's went as far as hitting, screaming or humiliating you? I was so confused about that now. My mother told me that and I can't find the answer if it's right or wrong cause although in term of humanity it's wrong, but in term of society and religion I have always been told by people around me that you should respect your parents and stay obedient with them unless they told you to do something opposite from your religion. I can't differentiate if what my family did were their way to teach me to become a better person or they just want to relieve their frustration on me. Is it teaching or oral/physical abused? Even my psychologist didn't answer me. I even told her that I think I have Borderline Personality Syndrome as well because I've pushed my best friends away out of fear after I've got my first 'break down', but she said she didn't think so. I don't like the way psychologist treated me honestly, but since she gave a shade of what I'm through now, I think having a session with her is better than nothing. And maybe next time I can ask my doctor to change her for someone else.
I just got my second panic attack and the desire to injured myself again suffocate me for the first time after years. So I think at least if I know the answer of that 'question', at least I can grasp a bit what's going on during my childhood and I can at least 'delay' my negative thought until I can arrange a new appointment with my psychologist.
Ah! Btw, I'm really sorry for not replying your message or comment. I really want to but because of the depression, I can't bring myself to since most of them contain fun things and I can't bend my negative thought a way. Lately I also can't enjoy everything I love to do before; watching Jdrama, studying Japanese, writing fics and even go as far as Arashi's songs almost leave no impact to me. Everything no longer entertaining for me. That's just how powerful the depression control my life. My doctor suspects my jaw-pain was cause by it since it came after I managed to stop from injuring myself by gritting my teeth hard. I can't do that 'gritting' anymore now so there's no wonder my depression growing worse again.
I hope it didn't sound too heavy -_-" But I really appreciate if you give me your opinion. It's really confusing me. It's weird for 19y/o girl like ne asks this kind of question but when adults around you keep telling you the same answer, you can't help but think that your life is too low until people won't even consider your feelings.
Now, I'm trying to not put myself under stress. I tried to do everything I enjoy; watching Arashi stuff, listening music, writing stories etc etc. But the problem is since I'm now on semester break, I always stay at home and face my family 24 hours which can't help my recovery because they're one of the major reasons why I'm having depression. At least when I have a class, I have an excuse to leave house and stay at my college until evening just to avoid from staying home. I notice that maybe because I can't take a break from my family, my depression gradually turn out worse again. I can't hold back my past-traumatic any longer.
Here's my question. In your opinion, is it okay if parents say to their child that they have any right to do anything on him/her because they're parents even it's went as far as hitting, screaming or humiliating you? I was so confused about that now. My mother told me that and I can't find the answer if it's right or wrong cause although in term of humanity it's wrong, but in term of society and religion I have always been told by people around me that you should respect your parents and stay obedient with them unless they told you to do something opposite from your religion. I can't differentiate if what my family did were their way to teach me to become a better person or they just want to relieve their frustration on me. Is it teaching or oral/physical abused? Even my psychologist didn't answer me. I even told her that I think I have Borderline Personality Syndrome as well because I've pushed my best friends away out of fear after I've got my first 'break down', but she said she didn't think so. I don't like the way psychologist treated me honestly, but since she gave a shade of what I'm through now, I think having a session with her is better than nothing. And maybe next time I can ask my doctor to change her for someone else.
I just got my second panic attack and the desire to injured myself again suffocate me for the first time after years. So I think at least if I know the answer of that 'question', at least I can grasp a bit what's going on during my childhood and I can at least 'delay' my negative thought until I can arrange a new appointment with my psychologist.
Ah! Btw, I'm really sorry for not replying your message or comment. I really want to but because of the depression, I can't bring myself to since most of them contain fun things and I can't bend my negative thought a way. Lately I also can't enjoy everything I love to do before; watching Jdrama, studying Japanese, writing fics and even go as far as Arashi's songs almost leave no impact to me. Everything no longer entertaining for me. That's just how powerful the depression control my life. My doctor suspects my jaw-pain was cause by it since it came after I managed to stop from injuring myself by gritting my teeth hard. I can't do that 'gritting' anymore now so there's no wonder my depression growing worse again.
I hope it didn't sound too heavy -_-" But I really appreciate if you give me your opinion. It's really confusing me. It's weird for 19y/o girl like ne asks this kind of question but when adults around you keep telling you the same answer, you can't help but think that your life is too low until people won't even consider your feelings.
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(no subject)
10/5/14 12:46 (UTC)Well...having someone to listen me is another problem. Cause I don't have any close friend. My ex-best friends knew about it but I can't trust them anymore. I have a classmate who knows about my situation because both of us have harsh past, but I trust her not as far as sharing my feelings. I have difficulty to let my feelings out to anyone around. That's why I share it here you know *bitter laugh*
(no subject)
10/5/14 13:02 (UTC)