21/4/17 12:23
24iza_run: (ninja)
*peek from behind the wall*

Hi everyone. It's been a while. Roughly 6 months I guess?


I never forget about it, but after my last post, I found out that I was accepted into university. It was a very last minute notice so I have to rush with the preparation. And once I started studying there, I need to learn to get used with the surrounding. Then since I need to make sure that I'll be accepted to stay in the hostel for next year as well, I have to join a lot of college programs (which makes me lost focus on study and draaaag my marks and attendence as well). Thankfully the 'hellish period' just over, but now I need some time to focus on my study again and catch up what I've missed. And that's why I'm afraid that I won't be sharing anything soon.

Actually I've finished until chapter 15 so far and keep on battling if I should just post it or wait until I (nearly) finish the whole series before start to post it. Judging from the plot tho I think it will be around 22-25 chapters.

And now I'm wondering if I want to post it sooner or later...should I post it here or Dreamwidth? I've read somewhere that some accounts was canceled by LJ and that makes me a bit hesitated to continue posting here. At first I thought it won't affect fanfics writer, but when I search for my fav authors' stories lately, I noticed the number of canceled account is raising.

Anyway, I hope all of your stay healthy and will lead a relax and happy life. I didn't manage to drop many comments here and there, but I do read posts on my friends page and saw a lot of things happened to them. I hope it will get better soon on your side. And I'm so sorry I can't drop my comment on your post :(

Miss you all!

I'm back!

2/8/16 22:33
24iza_run: (ninja)
Hello everyone! How are you? It's really been a while since I posted something and I'm very sorry for often disappearing without notice. I gave a lot of thought if I'm supposed to make this post since I was pondering if anyone will wonder why did I disappear, but I believe you deserve some explanation :) Thanks to [ profile] piggywhale for the lovely comment or I might delay this post even longer!

Why I suddenly disappeared after the last post?
A few of my LJ friends might already know about this. Actually since April to July this year I left to Fukuoka for intensive Japanese Language short course. I've tried a lot of ways to apply for Japanese Language classes in my country and scholarship to Japan, but to no luck. Thanks to my sister's information tho I somehow ended up finding out about the school that I later went in Fukuoka. I actually was very, very close to lose hope that I will never get to enter that school until I found out that my parents gave up with my stubborness made the payment for me to study in there right on the night of the payment deadline. And because of that I rushed to do the preparation for my leaving that I don't have a chance to say my greeting to you guys first. I also don't have a good internet connection in Japan, so to even drop a comment on someone's post was actually difficult.

Btw this might have nothing to do with the topic, but I want to take this chance to wish Happy Birthday to everyone who I didn't get to wish before!

New fic?
Honestly I don't know if I'm supposed to be surprise or not when see my last posted fic was on 31st October last year O_O The main reason was because I SERIOUSLY don't have any idea for a new fic. No, actually I had, but I always end up dropping it. I don't think I like the plot enough that it won't make me end up to abandon it in the end, just like what happened to 'Dead Run-Revival'. In short, writer's block~~

YET maybe the news that I'm going to reveal now will make some of you happy. Actually, I'm currently working on two fics right now. Let's hope that I can finish it before October because I'm afraid I'll start to get busy after that again. I'll share a bit of the plot:-

1.No title yet (Genre: AU, fantasy, adventure, comedy, friendship)
The plot takes place in Underworld where warriors, berserkers, wizards, fairies, and more fantasy creatures live in. Due to some reasons, Satoshi - the young prince of Underworld who doesn't have any other desire but to live a quiet life - is tasked to go out for a journey by the king to decide who will be a better new ruler of the kingdom between him and his step brother. Planning to fail on the given task on purpose, Satoshi decides to carelessly choose his own followers which somehow ended up him with Ninomiya from the legendary arachery masters clan, the castle intruder and airheaded wizard Aiba, the dangerous and high prolific murderer Sakurai, and the cool shapeshifter human-panther Matsumoto. Follow their journey as they encounter a lot of things along the way, while Satoshi grows up from being an unreliable leader to someone nobody will expect.

Oh man, it's been a while since I write a summary. I'm sorry for how messy it is =_="
Actually I've been weighing this story since...2 years ago I guess? I keep on picking up and dropping this plot, but after I returned home I somehow finally decide to give it a try. I'm working on Chapter 2 right now and I plan to post it after I finished Chapter 4. But let's just hope it won't be a long wait for you guys tho because the main trouble in this fic is each chapter is TOO LONG to write! I mean the length of the prologue itself is just 1/4 of Chapter 1's length! The reason for that is because each chapter will tell their adventure in each stop since I want readers to look forward for their next journey instead of focusing too long in one destination.

I feel like I'm babbling nonsense now. I hope you girls can understand my explanation so far =_=""
At first this story was supposed to be a serious one, but since I miss writing comedy fics a looooooooooooooooot, I decided to turn it out as a fail comedy fic instead. I think I've been writing too many serious plot lately that I start to miss some silliness as well ;) Ah! Some of you might be wondering why I make Aiba as the wizard and J as the human-animal, right? The reason is because I want to put some 'balance'. I don't want to make Aiba appear too 'cute' and J too 'cool' in the storyline. There are other reasons too, but you will see it yourself later!

2.Spread the words (Genre: AU, slice of life, drama)
I can't write summary for this one yet to avoid spoiler, but the plot might touch sensitive subject for some readers including me, as the writer myself. It's about depression/struggle that potraited by each of them. I've been saying around to some of my LJ friends about a fic which I'm trying 'to make it as close as possible to reality' and THIS is the fic I meant. I think I've been working on this fic since 2013, but I keep on changing the plot over and over and over again because I don't want it to be too dramatic(not like our life is not dramatic itself, but I want it to be more related with the readers). That's why I'm taking my time to write the plot for each character because unlike my previous fics, I can't force myself to write it but 'wait' for the plot to come out naturally instead. Also, some of you might know that I'm battling with depression myself, so it's like opening my own scars I guess? But believe me, I have my reason why I want to write this. Thanks to [ profile] rurikonialenora for giving me this idea long time ago.

So far I've completed until Chapter 5, but since I planned to make this as daily post just like my MatsuMiya fics that I wrote loooooooong time ago, I will wait (probably) until I finish all the chapters before I start to post it.

Hmm...what else to say? Ah! About the continuation of my visit to Japan last year before, right? I don't know if I should share it since it's been a while and you might already forget it but we'll see how it turns out. I might/might now share it because it's been a while.

Aaaah...what else to say? I don't know. Anyway, I'm happy to return  :) I miss you guys and writing fics again. I hope you guys are doing good, or things will get better on your side soon. Don't hesitate to ask me or share anything ^^
24iza_run: (Oh J!)
I was torn at first if I should post this or not  just in case there's someone who is wondering or worried with my sudden disappearance (if there really is though XDDD). So here I am, to tell all my LJ friends that I'm still around :) Though if anyone notice it, I do appear in comment section sometimes, but I didn't update anything on my own journal. Well, the main reason for this is because my laptop charger broke down since around months ago. And since I don't have much time and money due to...well, assignments, I also don't have opportunity to buy a new one.

I bet those who have read my personal journal might notice that my laptop broke down quite a lot now XD But this time I didn't find it as 'suffering' as the previous ones since I still have time to move any important and needed videos, songs, and files before the laptop battery running out of battery. And since it's nearing exam period, I also don't bother so much to use laptop at that time.

Another things that I found even funnier (and maybe unfortunate too) is 3 days before the first exam paper, my phone (and my only connection source with internet) broke down. That explains why I didn't reply some of your messages especially since I don't like replying LJ's message using phone because I tend to misspell words. And this applies for those who I didn't manage to wish Happy Birthday too (_ _")

So let's make the things I've mentioned above short - modern gadget hates me.

I have question to ask here though. I was thinking if I should continue writing fanfic. Somehow when I notice that there's a lot of new good writers appear and there's a lot of the also good 'seniors' disappeared from the fic world, it makes me waver if I should proceed with it or not. Of course I still enjoy writing it as before, but after finishing 'Project Eternity' I suddenly feel like there's something wrong with the plot that I come up with until now. I just can't reach a certain level of 'accomplishment' when I wrote it like before. To be honest there is a lot of fics in my laptop that I didn't post it here because of this reason. I tried to overcome it by posting 'Dead Run' since it's less riskier as I already have the plot in my mind but then I got something that probably one of the fanfic writer's afraid with - writer's block. That's why the series suddenly stops there. I hope I can continue the series one day, but maybe not for now.

However, during my laptop-charger-broke down 'era' I decided to rewatch Fatal Frame, and suddenly, get a new fic idea! It just a short series one and consists of 4 chapters. I'm almost finish with chapter 3 now but...I was considering if I should post it or not. Well, firstly because I was thinking if it was good enough for you girls/guys(if there's guy around) to read especially for those who follow or at least have read those fic I've wrote before. The second reason is because instead of consisting 5 members like my usual fic, it only has 2 Arashi members as the main characters which is Sho and Aiba (a friendship one, of course. And also a horror plot too, of course). I have to short it down to 2 members only so I can make the story shorter before I will lose my will to complete the fic again like what happens to most of the fics in my laptop. If I include all of them, the story will defintely get longer since I want to make sure their personality will 'balance' the plot. The last reason is because...let's be honest. I lose my confident in writing again *bitter laugh and clap to myself* (the last time I experienced this probably when I posted Meteor Bond).

But don't take me wrong. I don't feel posting it is like forcing myself since it's actually something that I really want to do for those who have waited for my new fics for all this time (again, if there's any).

In short (again) - do you want me to keep on writing fanfic or not?

See you around later! :D

P.S I miss writing a comedy fic again.
24iza_run: (Oh J!)
Under my doctor advised I was recommended to see a psychologist a few months ago. I was then told that based on our session, the psychologist suspected me are having depression for a long time and it might turn out extreme again(since I've gone as far as harming myself) if we don't try to solve it sooner. However I missed the next session and it's difficult to make a new appointment again since my parents find out about it. I just got my driving license but my family still not let me to drive yet and that's another problem cause I don't want my parents to drive me to the hospital when they keep telling me 'only crazy people see psychologist. If other find out later, everyone will chase you away and you won't find a job'. That of course, not helping at all.

Now, I'm trying to not put myself under stress. I tried to do everything I enjoy; watching Arashi stuff, listening music, writing stories etc etc. But the problem is since I'm now on semester break, I always stay at home and face my family 24 hours which can't help my recovery because they're one of the major reasons why I'm having depression. At least when I have a class, I have an excuse to leave house and stay at my college until evening just to avoid from staying home. I notice that maybe because I can't take a break from my family, my depression gradually turn out worse again. I can't hold back my past-traumatic any longer.

Here's my question. In your opinion, is it okay if parents say to their child that they have any right to do anything on him/her because they're parents even it's went as far as hitting, screaming or humiliating you? I was so confused about that now. My mother told me that and I can't find the answer if it's right or wrong cause although in term of humanity it's wrong, but in term of society and religion I have always been told by people around me that you should respect your parents and stay obedient with them unless they told you to do something opposite from your religion. I can't differentiate if what my family did were their way to teach me to become a better person or they just want to relieve their frustration on me. Is it teaching or oral/physical abused? Even my psychologist didn't answer me. I even told her that I think I have Borderline Personality Syndrome as well because I've pushed my best friends away out of fear after I've got my first 'break down', but she said she didn't think so. I don't like the way psychologist treated me honestly, but since she gave a shade of what I'm through now, I think having a session with her is better than nothing. And maybe next time I can ask my doctor to change her for someone else.

I just got my second panic attack and the desire to injured myself again suffocate me for the first time after years. So I think at least if I know the answer of that 'question', at least I can grasp a bit what's going on during my childhood and I can at least 'delay' my negative thought until I can arrange a new appointment with my psychologist.

Ah! Btw, I'm really sorry for not replying your message or comment. I really want to but because of the depression, I can't bring myself to since most of them contain fun things and I can't bend my negative thought a way. Lately I also can't enjoy everything I love to do before; watching Jdrama, studying Japanese, writing fics and even go as far as Arashi's songs almost leave no impact to me. Everything no longer entertaining for me. That's just how powerful the depression control my life. My doctor suspects my jaw-pain was cause by it since it came after I managed to stop from injuring myself by gritting my teeth hard. I can't do that 'gritting' anymore now so there's no wonder my depression growing worse again.

I hope it didn't sound too heavy -_-" But I really appreciate if you give me your opinion. It's really confusing me. It's weird for 19y/o girl like ne asks this kind of question but when adults around you keep telling you the same answer, you can't help but think that your life is too low until people won't even consider your feelings.
24iza_run: (Oh J!)
Ohisashiburi my fellow LJ friends!!! Yeah, like the title said above, I'm FINALLY, FINALLY, FINALLY got my laptop baaaack!!!!! *dancing and screaming randomly*

Well, of course I know there's nothing important about this post though. But I still want to tell&share it with you in case there are people who are waiting for my comeback(for those who think I'm nosy for thinking that way, yeah, feel free to kick me).

Currently I'm trying to look for stuffs and videos that I didn't able to download during my disappearance. And for those who I haven't reply their message yet, I'm on my way to spam your inbox with my message(hehehe). I also just find out about the reuploading mission that [ profile] arashiproject are working it on(Duh. Seriously, just how left behind I am?) and since I've some of the videos that its link already dead, I'm trying to reupload or give mirror to help our fandom as well. So if you are looking forward for new fics from me, please be patient ne? Cause I hardly can do three or more things at the same time (_ _)

Anyway, glad that I finally can return to this fandom and glad to see you all again! 
24iza_run: (Oh J!)
Hi there! Ohisashiburi!

I'm sorry for suddenly disappear without notice for a month. Actually my laptop broke down for the second time during my final exam and it hasn't been fixed until now. All the suppose-to-be new fics are in there so...

Besides, I only can online using my phone so it's difficult for me to reply to any message or comment that I received from you(if there any). I'm really sorry about that and so sorry if I made your worried too (_ _) For now I borrow my brother's laptop but there's nothing much I can do with it T^T I promise I'll try to reply it when I get my laptop-sama back (>_<)

Another reason why I make this post is to inform to you girls/guys about the fundraise community ([ profile] fundraise4paws) that I currently try to help. The fund is still ongoing until a certain date that miss [ profile] no3lr3i will inform later :) And because of that, I decide to offer something to 'sell' for the fund purpose too.

If you're interested, you can go check overhere ). I will only accept request that you drop under my offer to avoid confusion ^^"

For addition(even though I already stated it in the offer post), I will open request to write SEQUEL for ONE of any 3 of my PREVIOUS MULTICHAPTER FANFICS which are:-

1) Fixing my Future with the Broken Pieces of my Past
2) Shinigami no Game-Lose and you Die
3) Project Eternity

The pricing is up to you as long as it follows the criteria that miss mod stated in the offer post ;) However I will only accept to write sequel for ONE FIC, so if someone already make the request and pay for it, this offer will be closed. I will try to work for the plot as soon as miss mod inform me that the payment already has been made.

Sadly, I still have no idea when I can come back. But maybe(just maybe) it is still within this year. I still need the laptop for doing my assignment after all(still can't believe my three weeks hard-to-get holiday over without any progress to any fic -.-" )

But well, I'll try to think this moment as my short break from writing :) It's good to refresh my writing mood for another fresh start after all~

Let's just hope for the best ne? I hope you girls/guys are doing well both in life and fandom!

Again, I'm really really sorry for not reply your message m(_ _)m
24iza_run: (arashi red)
My sis just get married today! ~(>w<)~ Finally after a lot of hardships and misery they through to get together due to what people said 'too young' (my sis is 22 and her husband 21-6 months different) and financial problem, they're now officially husband&wife V^_^V I personally cried when my father 'gave' her to my brother in law just to think how much they've through to reach this point. Let's pray for the best for both of them ne~ Unfortunately I'm too short of money(poor student life) to buy her any gift so I plan to write a story based on theirs. It's not confirm yet but I'll try before she return to Jordan with her husband for study.

Sorry cause this is just a short post (_ _") I think I should share about this. I know most of my PM friends don't know about this but the reason why I didn't say anything about the preparations or the marriage cause I'm not a person who will say anything about myself unless the other person ask or there's a urgent reason for me to say it. And also for my PM friends especially, I'm sorry cause maybe I can't reply your messages for a while. Her weeding took out my entire energy and I think I injured my heels due to too much standing for these past few days X_X

New fic is still on progress! Hope to see you guys really soon again~
24iza_run: (ninja)
I'm spamming your friends page with my 'none' tag again. But this time let me show you other side of mine before I go hiatus soon(I plan to post one last story before that, so don't worry. I won't leave just like that) I did exchange about this with my LJ friend [ profile] keiblackcat_13 before, but now let me share it with you. It supposed to be 50 before but I removed some facts or fix it since it's necessary.

So here we go! 45 NOT REALLY FUN FACTS ABOUT ME! <---what a shameless person

  1. HUGE fan of Resident Evil/Biohazard game especially the 3rd one(influenced by my big brothers who love to play it when I still kid)
  2. Aim to buy Xbox or PS2/3 just because want to play Silent Hill game. XP
  3. Give up on cooking because the percentage of me to fail is 90%. Although I follow steps or way told in book perfectly and use the same ingredients, kitchen and so on with my big sis or friends’ help, the food must be burnt or too much salt or something like that…
  4. Unexpectedly good in classify type of fish and the freshness, ingredients and vegetables compare to most of people who I know can cook XP (Maybe because my mother always told me to buy ingredients for cooking)
  5. Have once been isolated by classmates because couldn’t follow what the teachers taught and always got low marks in exam (I was in first class) And they treated me like a bacteria. Ever since, I hate when heard people give praises or conclude someone is clever just by his/her academic result or if he is schooling in some prestigious school/university even though the compliment meant for me. And when I say I hate it, I really mean I HATE it.
  6. CAN live without phone. Believe having that gadget is troublesome.
  7. Couldn’t say alphabet ‘S’ when I was kid.
  8. People tend to call me expressionless. Even two persons that I closest with now(my big sis and my current dorm roommate) told me that and keep saying they’re worried I wouldn’t able to find friend because of the ‘uniqueness’.
  9. Prefer to walk alone than with friends or in group(I walk in fast pace, so if walk with someone it will make me tired to follow that person’s pace)
  10. Only go to 4 places when out to shopping complex alone. CD shop-->Book/comic shop-->Fast food restaurant-->Arcade-->Home.
  11. Only will buy new clothes when mom scolds to do so.
  12. Before graduated from high school, I held a vote for who is the most XX in class with my whole classmates. Half of the class voted me for the most Mystery classmate.
  13. And I got second place for the most Sociable classmate (which is still a mystery for me till now…)
  14. Very, very, very seldom talk in class, but got the good debater title in class by my Malay teacher (This is still a huge mystery for me until now)
  15. Never wear make up in my entire life (but I’ve once tried my mom’s lipstick when I still kid. Too curious I guess?)
  16. Have a weird habit to not switching on light when enter my house’s toilet. If you’re screaming/scolding when someone turns off the toilet light when you’re using it, I’m otherwise. I’ll warn anyone outside who turns on the light when I’m using it.
  17. Zero interest in fashion even though not zero senses of it.
  18. Really have passion in martial arts especially street fighting.
  19. Love to challenge and accepted fight challenge from boys when still kids. Sometimes even make those boys cried (yeah, meanie young me!) But I always did it cause they bullied my friends first.
  20. Love to play soccer with guys after school during the elementary until early year of junior high school. But most of the time will suddenly called and scold by mom; “do you know you’re the only girl among them?!” XDDD
  21. Believe that to communicate with guys are much easier than girls. Whenever my sis start to talk about girls’ stuff or we accidently heard other girls’ conversation, I’ll say; “I really didn’t get woman’s heart.” My sis;”Then, who are you exactly?”
  22. Hate those who love to talk bad about others. If the speaker is close with me, I’ll tell her directly to stop but if otherwise I’ll walk away immediately from there (My high school classmates who’re sitting behind me usually became the victims of my sharp-tongue when it came about this)
  23. Was once really, amazingly and extremely hate egg. Now I can eat it BUT only if it is FULLY cook.
  24. People that I close with are always older few years than me. I didn’t socializing with people around my age or younger so much (main reason cause I don’t know how to communicate with them)
  25. Have stood face to face with a large lizard when I was 5. I was accidently found it ‘fooling around’ in my family old estate but since I didn’t know what was it, I just took a wood stick nearby and poke it to chase it away (and its size same with crocodile!)
  26. Once told by my sis that she believe I’ll have a girlfriend instead of boyfriend. Until now she never believe it if I try to deceive her that I’ve boyfriend and always say; “You’re too heartless for that.”(I won’t obligate it though XD)
  27. Hate school so much. Rather than feel sad to get separated from my classmates and leave my school’s life during the last day of my school, I was gratefully thanks to God for finally free!
  28. Back then, I naively believe that someone who drinks coffee is cool. So I always bought latte when went to store till one day I suddenly realize that I actually hate it and stop from having coffee until now (until now I still wonder how come I can  force myself to keep on drinking it back then). Plus, I’m bad with caffeine :P
  29. Can’t remember someone that I just meet once, twice, thrice or didn’t manage to get my attention. Not even face or name.
  30. A Japanese drama collector. Till this far have 32 drama boxes and more than 15 special drama & movies. I love it till the point there’s once I never went to school canteen for 2-3 months just to save money. And I think I got gastric because of this bad way of saving money as well (DON’T follow this obsession of mine!)
  31. Really interested in paranormal things except for UFO.
  32. Once obsess with Naruto. I even try to remember almost all the characters’ profile and names, bought key chains, comics, cards and etc etc…
  33. Actually easily can be deceived. Even it is the most ridiculous or stupid lie, I would believe it.
  34. Must read something when eating. There’s a time I couldn’t find any comics or books nearby, so I just grab my bilingual dictionary. My sis who came into kitchen later shock and asked if there’s something wrong with my brain (My sis do appear a lot ne? XD)
  35. The only person who can make me laugh out all heart is my sis (here she comes again XDD) This was mentioned a lot of time by my classmates when my sis still studied in same school with me. My classmates even keep saying; “If you want to see Iza smile sincerely or laugh, just call her sis.”
  36. Does not like beach so much. My skin will feel itchy if have any contact with sand.
  37. English once was the most subject that I hate. I even ever said; “I give up with this subject. There’s no way I’ll understand English and I don’t get why we MUST study this!!!!” …yet now I wrote fan fictions IN English.
  38. Will keep touching my nose when I feel nervous.
  39. Children mostly afraid with me…(well, maybe cause I rarely smile)
  40. Tend to talk with animal.
  41. A really light sleeper. Can’t sleep when the light on or if there’s sound of people talking or whispering in the room. Even there’s slight sound I can immediately wake up (during my school days, I can wake up just by hear my mom’s footsteps sound approached my room)
  42. Love to talk alone. There’s one time I was ‘discussing’ with myself about what fish I should buy at market and when I realize it, a customer who stood next to me was already looking at me weirdly and took her leave immediately (I’d try to change this habit, but the more I try, the more I did it out of my aware  -.-")
  43. Zero sense of romance. That explain why I don’t write fluff, romance or lovey-dovey story. Plus we have enough romance writers out there already right? :D
  44. Really bad in persuading people. So, I’m sorry if I don’t come to persuade you if you hurt by my action m(_ _")m
  45. Most of people who know me including my mother and sis call me ‘weird’. I seriously never heard anyone call me ‘normal’ and now I’m too used with the ‘weird’ title already (seriously, I’ll feel really shock if someone told me; “you’re not weird/ you’re normal.”)
Hehehe. What do you think? Do we have any similarity? How about start to write one about yours too? :D I'll definitely interested to read it! Thanks to [ profile] yukiko_makoto for give me this idea!

24iza_run: (Default)
Honestly, I don't want to post anything about my  RL anymore since I think I'm kind of babbling or complaining about my life (==") But maybe this one is needed.

Two days ago on 5.50 pm my Oba-chan passed away at hospital. It's just about 2 weeks after my Ni-chan's accident so I hope he won't blame himself about it since Oba-chan kind of ill during the moment my parents and I were taking care of him.

  My mother has 3 siblings and she's the youngest one. About 2 years ago Oba-chan lived with my family due of her sickness and it's a bit hard for my uncle to take care of her since both him and his wife are working and my aunty lives at Kedah(kind of near with Perak where my Ni-chan lived) and Oba-chan didn't use to live far from Sabah. Every night if she'll stay with us, I'm the one who will sleep with her. And since Ni-chan and Ne-chan aren't always at home, it can be say I'm the one who always company her. Unfortunately due of her old age, since last year she only remember to speak in her ethnic language which I didn't understand. So I can't hold any conversation with her even I wanted.

Two days ago Oba-chan suddenly felt hard to breath and couldn't say anything. My father who's in meeting at that time immediately came home midway after my mother called him to send Oba-chan to hospital. After we sent her to emergency ward and she'd been examined, the doctor think her lungs were infected since Oba-chan still can't breath normally although he and the nurses managed to recover her blood pressure back. Oba-chan then was attached with oxygen mask before a breathing aid was putted into her throat to make her breath easier.
Yet, nothing changed. My mother already cried at that time when seeing Oba-chan in that state. I wanted to watch what the doctors were doing, but whenever mother saw me, she told me to just wait outside the emergency curtain. I can't see what happen inside, but I still can hear Oba-chan's breath, heartbeat machine's sound and what the nurses and doctor said. Finally, one by one doctors come to see the situation. They're talking with each other about something before one of them came to my parents and I. I still remember he said that Oba-chan's heart actually already stopped 2 times and they gave CPR to her to make it beating back. But considering that she already old, her body size is small and her blood platelet(the cell which makes our blood clot and stop bleeding) is only 9 out of 100, Oba-chan's chance of surviving is really low. Even if they continue to give her CPR, the pressure that they gave on her chest can make her ribcage break. So, the doctor gave us two choices; to let them continue which only will make Oba-chan suffered or let her go which the doctor think is more humanity. It's so dramatic.

On that moment I already break down. It's not that bad until I was sobbing or need someone to calm me down, but when I see Oba-chan's state, I think it's better to let her go. My father also thought the same thing, but my mother wanted to wait until my uncle arrived there first. Around some minutes later another doctor come to remind us that Oba-chan's heart already stop for the third time and according to protocol, they can't give her another CPR anymore. 10 minutes before my uncle arrived, my Oba-chan finally passed away. It's really sad. I can see how him and my mother tried hard to not express their emotion so much. We brought her back to my mother's hometown at the same night to settle her coffin and the rest before brought her to my uncle's house which is also Oba-chan's house. The funeral was held on the next day. Everything were ready at afternoon, but we didn't immediately hold the funeral to wait for my aunty, my first Ni-chan and my cousin came, drove by my second Ni-chan.
My first Ni-chan actually wasn't recover yet and still need to through a surgery but he stubbornly wanted to come and ride train, bus and aeroplane alone. But I must say his decision at least didn't make him regret for couldn't pay last respect to Oba-chan. Though, I think my mother maybe felt disappoint cause I didn't kiss Oba-chan's forehead when we were given a chance to see her face for the last time before went to cemetery. It's not like I don't want, but I'm having problem with death and cold body. I only can stroke her hair and ask for her forgiveness on everything. Thank God, the funeral went well. Me, both my Ni-chan and my cousin returned home last night while my parents and aunty stayed there for one more night.

If you're wondering I'm fine or not, I'm fine. I was shocked, but I can accept it. At least like father said, she's not suffering anymore. And the incident really makes me more positive and grateful for still couldn't further enter my study to anywhere. A lot of things happened from my aunty(on my father's side) lost her baby, my cousin's weeding, my Ni-chan's accident and my Oba-chan's death which requiring someone free to lend a help. I was thinking that IF I already studying in college or university now, no one can help my aunty, mother and father about it even for just small matter. Everything really happen with reason right?
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Finally after 10 days leaving my state...I'm back!!! Perak people were so kind! XD Thanks and please take care or my Ni-chan for now!

My Ne-chan already safely arrived in Jordan on 17th September(Thanks God) and she's currently struggling there for her study. Since I've no one who is close to me than her, I think my talking ability will gradually change to worst by time being ==" No babbling partner anymore!

For my Ni-chan...Let me explained what was happened on the night when the accident happened *cough* *cough*
Ni-chan was on his way back to his house after returned from mosque by his motorcycle. Then, two Mat Rempit (or in English rough translation since I don't know what is the right words; illegal cyclist) were racing behind him at that moment. One of the cyclists was trying to avoid his friend which made him later to hit my brother who was several meters in front. Since that guy was using high CC motorcycle, it gave a huge impact on Ni-chan from behind and cause Ni-chan to fall on the road before dragged by both his motorcycle and the guy's for several meters. Because he tried to protect his body and face, he used both his hands and legs to stop the friction between him and the asphalt until his arms, elbow and palms were terribly injured especially his right palm(since he's a right-handed) till he didn't dare to see it because it showed his meat. His action also made his right heel...ripped apart(I'm sorry for even telling 'this' detail for those who hate this kind of situation ==") and I heard from him that it showed his...bone.

What made me furious was the friends of the racer came to rescue him just in short time using a car, but left my Ni-chan alone on the road! Can you imagine how horrible it was? But fortunately not long after, the Imam (leader of Muslims' Solat/pray) at the mosque where my Ni-chan just came from before coincidentally through the same road and found my Ni-chan. He's the one who called Police and Ambulance before other people and my Ni-chan's friends came.
Ni-chan then stayed a night at the closest Hospital before moved to another Hospital since there's no specialist there. At the new Hospital though my Ni-chan had no friends to accompany him which made him more worried about the surgery that he will need to face later. Yet, another unexpected(and lucky) coincident happened when he found our cousin's husband who my family actually planned to visit their ceremony wedding(I'd mention it on my previous post) suddenly appeared there.
Why? Cause actually he's working as a doctor there. So, the newly married couple(my cousin and her husband) accompanied my Ni-chan the whole time as much as they can though they're also busy with their will be ceremony and the husband needed to study for his exam on the next day.
After the surgery, Ni-chan was brought to their house before my family and I finally arrived direct from airport later. Few days then Ni-chan's neighbor came and brought us to where my Ni-chan is staying at in Sri Iskandar and we took care of him there.

So, what happen to the racer?

Few days after the accident, my Ni-chan's friends greeted by the racer's friends. They told them that their friend was actually broke both his shins, thighs, shoulders and arms since he was throw several meters away. Far terrible than my Ni-chan considering that my Ni-chan at least have no broken bone. Actually, the Police already kept their friend's motorcycle(since they just left it on road and took their friend away) and I heard it's like they need to ask something to my Ni-chan's friends so at least their friend can get insurance regarding it. I have no idea if they feel guilty or not about it, but I think...maybe.

It's worrisome to leave my Ni-chan alone at his house since he has no housemate as the house that he's staying at is actually our uncle's(which cause him to no need to share money for pay the rent except water and electric used). He now can walk to toilet and move by himself, but he needs his walking aid or he will be jumping around with his left foot. We might be staying longer there if not because of my father have job to do and how nice his neighbors, friends, lecturers and people around willing to help and take care of him. His friends even almost look for the racer so they can bash him till death if my Ni-chan didn't manage to stop them.(Phew) Well, Ni-chan is a really cheerful and warm guy(you can say combination of Aiba and Nino) so a lot of people are there for him, always. Even my uncle's family from Kedah's state also willing to come to visit him and asked if he wanted to stay with them. But since he needs to got for another check up on 27th, he chose to stay. I touched by how warm people in Perak are! Thank You Minna!!! ^-^ (But I don't say people from other state is bad! My Ni-chan's friends who always come to see him mostly from Kelantan too)

Surprisingly, the real reason why we're coming to Kuala Lumpur which is First, to send my Ne-chan off, second, to buy my Ne-chan's stuff, third, to visit my cousin's ceremony, fourth, cause my father had meeting there, and there's few more which I can't remember since I was so confused for traveling to KL and Perak too much (@.@) were ALL accomplished! Yeay~

Unfortunately, because of my carelessness and the busyness, I forgot to check my University's application(UiTM) and I missed my interior design interview which was supposed to be hold at Sabah two days after we came to my Ni-chan's place. My Ni-chan's lecturer said that he can try to help me and there's even a lecturer in Shah Alam said I can just come to Shah Alam and sit the exam. But considering that I have only a day to prepare and I already left 'drawing world' long time ago as well as there's no one can fetch my father and I when we're there later, my Ni-chan told me to apply for Politeknik.
BUT, I already told my father that IF my application is not approved since lot of my applications were also turned down since this early year, I determine to join military. My father seems can accept it, so I feel a bit relief ;) I've think about it since no university wanted me after all *sob* *sob*
Ne-chan also said that mabye it's not a bad idea since we have no soldier in our family yet XD
Today also my last day of Japanese lesson since the teacher who teach me will return to Japan next week. So, I can't continue my study anymore.

But I already have inspiration for continue my new story during the leave~ Maybe I'll try to work on it soon ^-^

Thanks for reading my bored babbling anyway! Let's wait for Ara-fes DVD together from now! XD

P.S: My LJ is supposed to be fic-related only =.=" I can't believe I post my personal life here. So, I'll delete this and previous post later! I'm sorry for posting this (_ _") I just don't want make anyone worry...
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Last night(or maybe today's early morning) my eldest Ni-chan was involved in an accident. Since my Ne-chan will fly to Jordan this Sunday night to further her study as well as my cousin's wedding ceremony will be held in Kuala Lumpur(the main city of Malaysia) on the same day, we will take our leave to there tomorrow and go straight to pay a visit on my Ni-chan first in Perak(one of the states in Malaysia) where he's currently living.

But there's something make me so so so SO pissed off (>.<****)

Ni-chan sent his message to my mother around 4 am today, said that his leg is kind of wreck and need to have a surgey which made my mother cried from the moment she find it out until the next morning. Though my relationship with mother is...I can say terrible(or maybe just a little, little bit better than that) I still tried to calm mother down. Well, my eldest Ni-chan is really well-loved and the closest one with her among the 4 of us, so it's understandable if my mother felt that way.

Then, when Ni-chan called mother this noon and find out about her too overworried, he laughed.  Cause...she was actually mistranslated his message. The truth, his wound is not that bad, but still need to have surgery on his heel. The 'wreck' is meant for his wound, cuts and heel actually. It's a good news of course, but by saying 'wreck' in his message to a lady who always believe everything in her first glance like my mother, of course she will definitely believe it. Well, our entire family except for my mother already know how playful and loved to prank others our Ni-chan is, so I think that's maybe the reason why me with my second Ni-chan and Ne-chan kind of calm and reeeeelax when find out about the message.

But...I still think he's a bit overbroad within this matter (=.=") Of course when we find out that he's in hospital, we're kind of shocked but since his friend was the one who informed us about the last night accident and said that Ni-chan's condition is not so bad compare to the cyclist who bumped into his motorcycle in full speed, we trust his friend's words more...since we somehow can 'expect' what 'prank' our Ni-chan is going to do next.

The moral here for both kids and adults, don't forget that there's a limit in joking and pranking someone! Seriously, I really feel like want to slap Ni-chan's back head when I meet him tomorrow (=.=***)

But still, please pray for my Ni-chan so he will get well soon and also for my Ne-chan so she can safely arrive in Jordan and come home one day!

I wonder if I can found Arashian in KL by chance since it's more than hard to find one here(hehehe) And I really hope that I will found any idea for new story before I'll start to become busy later~ XD

P.S: The person who violated my brother from back last night on around 11 pm was one of illegal cyclists who I think by chance was racing on the same road when my Ni-chan was on his way to back home with his friend. Tsked (=.=")
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It'd been a long, long time since the last time I post something which is not related with my fic. I don't know if anyone is going to read this post, but at least I've a place to give a piece of my thought for now ;)

Recently one of my older sister long time friend involved in a car crashed. Fortunately, she survived along with her family, but the sad thing is her nose bone and jaw was broken. She also lost 4 of her front teeth. She's really close with my family and though I'm a type who's really bad when it comes about talking, I always feel secure and enjoy when talk to her. I can state her as one of prettiest people I ever meet and I respect her for not mourning with what just happened to her but face it bravely.

So...what's the relation between what I'm babbling above with the title post?

Well, actually it's just an introduction. Since my ne-chan currently can't returned to Syria for continue with her study, she's the one who's staying with her friend at the hospital now. The family of my ne-chan's friend are not fully recover yet from the misfortune incident and they need to settle few important things, so my ne-chan is the one who accompany her from the moment she's stuck in hospital. Everyday when ne-chan return to house, the first thing she'll do is jumping to our bed to catch some sleep. Ne-chan only can sleep on the guest's chair every night and since she has a bit problem with her backbone because of the cold season in Syria before, she always wake up almost every hour when sleep at hospital.

But, she never complain.

Just few hours ago ne-chan left again though she just got maybe about 3-4 hours sleep cause her friend ask her to come and accompany her since she's missing ne-chan already. The truth, ne-chan's friend's aunt and my ne-chan are suppose to switch their 'shift' to take care of the friend so both of them aren't going to be so tired, but ne-chan decide to come after read the message from her friend. Ne-chan told us before that she feels like she's going to have fever(because of lacking of sleep) and my mom told her to not come to the hospital, but ne-chan insist to.

What I'm trying to say in this post is...her decision makes me wonder. I think that's what we should call friendship, wasn't it? It's fine if you'll accept nothing as return, but as long as you can support your friend when she's weak or otherwise, it'll be a great happiness for you already.

Well, honestly I'm not a person who believe in 'Friendship'. I mean, I believe it does exist, but not in my life. For me friends have a lot of title like friends in a same class which we'll call as 'classmates', friends from same workplace or we'll call as 'coworkers'  and something like that. I won't simply call anyone as 'friend', unless I add something behind it like 'friend from same school', 'same class' or 'chatting buddy'. I ever experienced frienship before, but after many terrible incidents keep happening and happening again, I'm getting more and more tired of it. I admit most of it ARE my fault. Since I'm person who's not good in conversation, I'd not so much friends. So whenever I saw my friends talked to someone else and that person able to make her/them laugh, I'll feel so hurt. It's like I think I'm her/their only friend, so I want them to stay with me every time, 24 hours and 7 days a week. I'm afraid of loneliness, but because of my trauma, I feel more afraid to speak honestly my thought and lost them. So, I just keep quiet even until my relationship with my friends bit by bit became apart. And finally when we're living like a stranger to each other, I'll break down and keep blaming myself for think like I own them and for couldn't be honest with what I felt even though we're friends.

I lost someone who I call or consider as 'best friend' one by one from kids until I enter my high school. We promised we'll stay as 'best friend forever' or 'will always be there for you', but none of it stayed long. My friendship can't even stay longer than three years when I realize it. So, I finally decided, NO MORE FRIENDSHIP or I'll break down again.

Well, actually it's painful and hurting so so so much than you can imagine it. No one is going to support you when you're doing something anymore, no one will help you when break down anymore, no one will make you laugh anymore, no one will cry with you anymore and everything that you'll face whether a happy things or not, you'll feel it ALONE. I was suffering so much back then but bit by bit it makes me to be a tough person than I ever think. I also slowly start to become a straightforward person and not afraid to against something that I think wrong. From a talkative person, I change to a quiet and serious person(or my classmates state as mysterious). I even can't listen on song which have something to do with friendship. If you check my mp3 or music's folder, I don't have it even one. My ichiban is Aiba, but the only song of his that I don't like to listen is 'friendship'.

Thankfully from what I've experience before I know how it feels to have a company. So whenever I wrote a fic, I'll just remember the feelings again or I'll watch my ne-chan and her friends to look for inspiration. I respect 'friendship' word even though I'm not holding on it anymore. If you're someone who I call as 'ne-chan' or someone who I asked if I can call ne-chan OR someone who older than me and we're sending message or exchanging comment with each other, means I'm considering you really like a blood related  ne-chan and not a friend. What's happening to my ne-chan and her friend now really, really make me 'wake up' and open my eyes about it again.

My advice, if you've a friend, friends or someone who're supposed to be your best friend before, better treasure him/her from now on. If you've fight with him/her, try to fix your relationship back. It's not hurting to try, but will be hurting when you're regretting for not trying. After all, what if you're going to lose that person one day before you able to being honest to defend you guys precious friendship? Feel sorry for yourself? TOO late already.


End of my bored speech! Thanks for reading!

Btw for those who're waiting for my future fic, I'll post it soon ;)