I have a question

[24iza_run]

Under my doctor advised I was recommended to see a psychologist a few months ago. I was then told that based on our session, the psychologist suspected me are having depression for a long time and it might turn out extreme again(since I've gone as far as harming myself) if we don't try to solve it sooner. However I missed the next session and it's difficult to make a new appointment again since my parents find out about it. I just got my driving license but my family still not let me to drive yet and that's another problem cause I don't want my parents to drive me to the hospital when they keep telling me 'only crazy people see psychologist. If other find out later, everyone will chase you away and you won't find a job'. That of course, not helping at all.

Now, I'm trying to not put myself under stress. I tried to do everything I enjoy; watching Arashi stuff, listening music, writing stories etc etc. But the problem is since I'm now on semester break, I always stay at home and face my family 24 hours which can't help my recovery because they're one of the major reasons why I'm having depression. At least when I have a class, I have an excuse to leave house and stay at my college until evening just to avoid from staying home. I notice that maybe because I can't take a break from my family, my depression gradually turn out worse again. I can't hold back my past-traumatic any longer.

Here's my question. In your opinion, is it okay if parents say to their child that they have any right to do anything on him/her because they're parents even it's went as far as hitting, screaming or humiliating you? I was so confused about that now. My mother told me that and I can't find the answer if it's right or wrong cause although in term of humanity it's wrong, but in term of society and religion I have always been told by people around me that you should respect your parents and stay obedient with them unless they told you to do something opposite from your religion. I can't differentiate if what my family did were their way to teach me to become a better person or they just want to relieve their frustration on me. Is it teaching or oral/physical abused? Even my psychologist didn't answer me. I even told her that I think I have Borderline Personality Syndrome as well because I've pushed my best friends away out of fear after I've got my first 'break down', but she said she didn't think so. I don't like the way psychologist treated me honestly, but since she gave a shade of what I'm through now, I think having a session with her is better than nothing. And maybe next time I can ask my doctor to change her for someone else.

I just got my second panic attack and the desire to injured myself again suffocate me for the first time after years. So I think at least if I know the answer of that 'question', at least I can grasp a bit what's going on during my childhood and I can at least 'delay' my negative thought until I can arrange a new appointment with my psychologist.

Ah! Btw, I'm really sorry for not replying your message or comment. I really want to but because of the depression, I can't bring myself to since most of them contain fun things and I can't bend my negative thought a way. Lately I also can't enjoy everything I love to do before; watching Jdrama, studying Japanese, writing fics and even go as far as Arashi's songs almost leave no impact to me. Everything no longer entertaining for me. That's just how powerful the depression control my life. My doctor suspects my jaw-pain was cause by it since it came after I managed to stop from injuring myself by gritting my teeth hard. I can't do that 'gritting' anymore now so there's no wonder my depression growing worse again.

I hope it didn't sound too heavy -_-" But I really appreciate if you give me your opinion. It's really confusing me. It's weird for 19y/o girl like ne asks this kind of question but when adults around you keep telling you the same answer, you can't help but think that your life is too low until people won't even consider your feelings.

Comments

[eveshine.livejournal.com]

Iza chan what happened? Are you okay?. I read your post. i understand your feelings.. Parents hitting.. Here in our country they do but not to grown up ones. As for shouting it still does. Every parents care about their child's happiness in their own ways.. so i don't know whether it is right or wrong.. Demo ne take care.. Be positive..Think only positive things.

[24iza-run.livejournal.com]

I'm confused about myself too. And to be real honest, I'm not okay. My family did it when I was 7-12 years old, but not anymore. You can say what I through now is the 'after-effect' from that incident. Physical abused was one thing, but verbal abused is another thing especially since it's still happened to me until now. At first I can push what they told me but since it's still happening, I begin to consider what they said were right.
Staying positive is possible, but quite difficult for person who have their depression level like me. It's not like we don't want to but it's like our mind was set to think that way. That's how hard to deal with depression. Our surroundings also play an important role for our recovery.
Thank You SO much for your reply! I'm sorry I haven't reply your message yet :(

[rurikonialenora.livejournal.com]

I know... Verbal abuse is the one which left the biggest impression as we grow older rather than physical ones. I think from my experience is to find someone who you can rant to and always listen to you. The only thing you need is someone who listen and can keep your secrets as the way it is. Advice you when needed but most of the time just listen to your rants. Nothing feels better than letting your frustration out.

[24iza-run.livejournal.com]

The physical one might turn out worse as well depends on what that person experienced especially if that's the people who you trusted most and relied on did it to you. In my case, I can't stand anything that related to abusive behavior-movies,fanfics,comics,news or I might got my panic attack.
Well...having someone to listen me is another problem. Cause I don't have any close friend. My ex-best friends knew about it but I can't trust them anymore. I have a classmate who knows about my situation because both of us have harsh past, but I trust her not as far as sharing my feelings. I have difficulty to let my feelings out to anyone around. That's why I share it here you know *bitter laugh*

[rurikonialenora.livejournal.com]

Ah...souka.. It is indeed hard for you. It takes lots of cautions and also you need to be surrounded by people who are open minded and accept you as who you are. I'll pray for your happiness and I hope you will found a way to be better soon.

[eveshine.livejournal.com]

Verbal abuse is the biggest one. I experience that everyday at my home and my surroundings. A few days ago i had a tough fight at home. I was like you may be what they said is right..Oh sorry i don't want to add more..I pray for you so that you will be free from this soon..

[24iza-run.livejournal.com]

No, it's okay. I'm sorry that you had to through that too. I know it's not easy to receive that from people who we're going to see everyday. I hope your situation will get better soon as well :)

[eveshine.livejournal.com]

Yup..I am doing things that won't let me remember the talks like reading stories,playing games. I hope the situation gets better soon. I hope for the best for you too.. Don't lose hope. Think that there is one big sis waiting for you to listen to your problems. to tease you ne.. Oh i may be elder than you but what i feel sometimes is youngest!.. Anyway i'll be there for you!

[24iza-run.livejournal.com]

I'll keep your words then big sis ;) Thanks for the encouragement! I can't see you younger than me btw(hahaha!)

Somehow it feels like we're comrades. Well, people who through a complicated emotions from verbal abuse actually are already comrades themselves since they have almost same experiences...